UberGuitarGeek’s blog

Ok, I'm not much with words lately, which for someone who wants to write a blog entry isn't much use, I admit. But today, I'm going to use someone elses words. Sometimes a song just speaks so perfectly to the way you are and the things in your head that there's nothing else to say, and this is it. Apart from the fact that this is my first attempt at embedding a YouTube vid, so if it all goes fucky don't blame me!

Today I got angrier then I’ve been in a long time. I woke up this morning to Helen telling me that I won’t be welcome at Connor’s birthday party. This after many months of hearing “Are you coming to my party daddy”, “you have to come to my party daddy”, “I can’t wait for my party daddy” and a whole lot of variations on that theme from my son. And every single time he asked me I promised him that daddy would indeed be at his party. And all of a sudden she takes it upon herself to decide that I’m not welcome. Not because of anything stupid that I’ve done, just because she didn’t want me there. A spontaneous, random decision that hurt me like hell. And it wasn’t just me it hurt. Because within 5 minutes of this phone call I got another one from her asking me to come after all, because of how upset Connor got when she told him that daddy wasn’t coming after all. So I went and I got to experience the sheer joy of a 6 year old at his own birthday party. Because I was there it wasn’t ruined for him. For me however, any enjoyment and satisfaction I may have gotten from it was long gone, it was just a case of plaster on a fake smile and make sure Connor doesn’t know how incredibly pissed off I am. I’m pretty sure I pulled it off. On the way home I went to the lake, my happy place, and I tried to let go of the anger, the sheer fury that was threatening to eat me alive. And I think I managed it, just.

Well well, it's certainly been a while since I posted here. I've let a lot of things in my life slip lately, blogging being just one of them. But following a link from a friend's blog NaBloPoMo I've taken up the challenge to make an entry here every day, at least for this month. They have a theme for every month that you can use if you want, which I'll probably be falling back on from time to time. But since the theme leaves itself open to discussing some of the creepier parts of my being, I'm going to ignore it today. Ignore the bad stuff and focus on the one or two good things that are going on in my life at the moment.

1. My Son's Birthday Party

That's right. My son turned 6 years old on the 22nd of September, however due to work committments and general last minute organisation on behalf of his mother (sorry Helen!) he, myself, his mother and about 15 friends from school will be gathering to hold a party in his honour. And he's been looking forward to this for months now! For so long all I've heard is "Are you coming to my party daddy?" and similar questions. And of course the answer is "oh god yes!" He's been waiting for this for a long time now and I can't wait to see the happiness and sheer elated joy on his face. The fact that I'll be dealing with a bunch of noisy, boisterous screaming 6 year old children, which would normally drive me as far away as possible, doesn't seem to matter right now. As always the only important thing in this situation is the happiness of one 6 year old boy. So I can't wait.

2. Fresh Starts

Another one. I'm working on a plan to get out of Birmingham, again. The dream I've had for a little while of moving to Scotland is beginning to take shape, although in a different form then originally planned. It's kind of a work in progress and the details are kind of blurry at the moment, but it's definitely going to happen. It's going to be the start of a whole new chapter in my life, a journey that for once is not influenced by anyone but myself, where I can get away from the stressors and triggers that my life in Birmingham holds. And where I can really work on recovery. I've done some research and waiting lists for psychiatric help are a lot shorter in that particular neck of the woods. The main block to therapy for me has always been that I've never been stable on meds. And when you're riding the narcotic rollercoaster that is finding the right combination of medication, the desire to seek proper therapy doesn't really exist. But now that I've been on the same combo for a few months, I really think it's time and I'm really looking forward to starting this new life in the proper way, really working towards getting well again. And that for me is a big step. One I'm proud of.

3. Computer Repair

Those who know me know that I have a real love of fixing computers. Especially ones that seem beyond repair. I seem to have the capacity to spend days at a time trying to figure out what's wrong with a machine. There's something meditative about it in my opinion, something you can really lose yourself in. So, I was oddly pleased when the laptop (the sole method of internet access I have, borrowed from Helen) contracted a particularly nasty trojan. I do like a challenge, that much is true. And for the past 72 hours, I've been working tirelessly (with occasional catnaps) to try and rid my machine of this evil. And I think I've done it at last. My computer is currently recieving what appears to be it's first defrag in the 4-5 years of it's life, weirdly I could sit and watch the old filenames long forgotten flash in front of my eyes for hours. I'm well aware of how geeky this post makes me sound, and no I really don't care. It lifts my spirits and gives me a good place to focus my energies, and for that I'm grateful. Because in focusing my energies there, they are redirected away from the self-destructive thoughts and feelings that usually plague my everyday existance.

4. Writing

I'm working on a novel. Trying to add to it every day, even if it's only a little. Again, a place to put my energies and a healthy way to work out some of the demons in my head. And now I'm going to blog every day, which is more distraction. Awesome!.

5. The Live Changing Awesome Power Of Music

I've been listening to a lot of music lately. All kinds of different styles and genres. And it's done me the world of good. Because for me music has always been a source of spiritual healing. And when things get hard I like to go back to that well, and find refuge in the sound. One of my favourite things to do is to go for a long walk (4-5 hours is an average), in the middle of the night, with baseball cap pulled down low and mp3 player turned up load. In spite of the fact that one of these walks ended a bit badly (I was attacked, my jaw broken in 2 places) I still love nothing more then to take off into the ether, where the world is quiet and dark, and focus on the healing force entering my ears while just picking up my feet and putting them down, one at a time.

Wow, as sucky as I thought my life was, I managed to sit here and come up with 5 things that are good, that I find grace and peace in, which is a lot better then I thought I'd do.
!

Marc Cadmore wrote:

LOL

1. A lottery I've never entered or even heard of randomly wants to award me 2.5 million pounds. Sure...

2. Any member of staff conducting business on behalf of the UK National Lottery would use a company address, not a Windows Live Account.

3. Most people involved in legitimate business use a subject line.

4. So how much is it going to cost me to receive my "winnings"?

I look forward to the stream of bullshit I am no doubt to receive in response.

Have a nice day, fucktard.

Marc (kisses!!)

UK National Lottery wrote:

You Email was selected as the winner of the sum of £2,500,000.00GBP >From the(UKNL) Online Email promo draw contact Mr Darren Lloyds Via E-mail:darrenlloyds_uknlclaims01@live.com with Your Full Names;Address;Occupation;Telephone Number & Country of Residence
For Immediate processing of payment.